Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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