I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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