I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize