do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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