I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You took a bar mat shot.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
