TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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