i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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