you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
