if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
