I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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