Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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