Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
