Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
