Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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