Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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