I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
