i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
