2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We just shotgunned beers for America
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
