I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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