Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize