i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
