Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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