if i can run in heels then i can drive
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
