I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize