that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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