my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I think I just sharted jello shots
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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