Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
