Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
