Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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