You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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