I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
