yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
