are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Randomize
