Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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