I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
