He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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