you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i now understand why vodka
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
