i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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