he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
