i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize