I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize