Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
