I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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