Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
