Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
