When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Barsexuality is the new black.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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