This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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