I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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