I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
