i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize