Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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