I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize