Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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