i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
