i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
