Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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