So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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