i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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