dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
this will be a night to untag.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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