If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Houston, we have a blender
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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