i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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