College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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