I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
