Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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