I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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