o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
