Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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