I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The best revenge is premature balding
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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