One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
