it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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