Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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