Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
