How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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