Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
